by: Shelby Vincent
When I was approached about writing a blog post, my first thought and question was “What do you want me to write about?” The response was, “Write about whatever you feel led to.” How am I supposed to write a blog about literally anything? Who would even care to read about it anyways? I have nothing to say, but I will try. My thoughts started running rampant. For those of you who are reading this and have never met me before, I am one of the worship leaders here at Fireplace Church. My heart and soul are singing, and I truly believe it’s what I have been called to do. When I am in worship, that is when I am the truest expression of myself. I feel closest to God when I worship. My worship isn’t for anyone in the audience, but it is truly to Him. I am growing in my relationship with Christ each and every day. My sole focus is on Him and I truly feel like I can’t get enough. I have such a hunger and thirst for the Word it’s almost unreal. My desire is to have an unbreakable relationship with Him. I have been completely broken before the Lord. I have swept up the pieces of my life and piled them before the Lord so that He can piece me back together. I don’t want God to be a part of my life, He is my life.
Without him, I am nothing. I am incomplete without God.
I was born and raised in a non-denominational Christian church. My whole family has always played an integral part in church whether it be leading worship, preaching, or teaching. It’s no surprise that I have grown up to be the same way. I joined the worship team at my church when I was 14 years old. At that age, I had no idea what it meant to “lead worship.” Honestly, I was on the platform because I was a good singer and I wanted to be able to sing to people. I didn’t necessarily have the right heart for it, but I also didn’t understand that it wasn’t about that. As I grew up, I began to realize that it wasn’t about me at all. Worship is all about Him. We worship to give Him praise for all that He has done for us.
Even though I had this realization many years ago, it has just been within the past six months or so that I have really come to know pure worship. I have realized that my personal worship is between God and me. When I walk up to the platform, I am praying for God to rain down upon us all. I am praying for you to be able to enter in to a place that you have never gone before. When the music starts, you disappear. I enter into a place where it’s just Him and me. I am singing straight to God and you just happen to be in the room. I’m not worried about what you think about me. You know, I used to be so concerned about what people thought. I would be on the platform, leading worship, and my mind would be filled with thoughts of, “What if they think I can’t sing? I wonder if they’re thinking about what I’m wearing or how my hair is fixed.” If my thoughts are not fixed on God, how in the world are you supposed to enter in to worship? Obviously, my mind is somewhere else, and my worship isn’t intimate. I have come to a place where I am able to fix my eyes completely on Him. I ask him daily to put those types of thoughts out of my head. We must ask Him daily to help us along. We are not a perfect people, but we must stay in constant repentance. I mess up all the time, but I have learned to stop and take a moment to ask God to forgive me. God hasn’t called us to be perfect, just to be obedient. He just wants your yes; He wants you to raise the white flag in surrender.
When my eyes are completely focused on Him, that is when I can enter in to complete worship and intimacy. I don’t worry about what is going on around me; I just focus on what God wants from me. My ears are open to hear what He has to say, and my heart is ready to receive all that He has for me because I have prepared my heart for just that. You can’t just show up to church on a Sunday or Wednesday and expect to receive if you haven’t prepared yourself for just that. Too many times we get mad at the worship team or the pastor if we leave not having received anything from the service, but you must prepare your heart just as the pastor has to prepare the message.
I never want to leave a service the same way I came in. There will never be a service that I can’t receive at least one thing from God. If I leave a service without receiving, it’s my own fault. I have to make sure my heart is prepared to receive. I never want to know what it’s like to be in a room filled with His spirit and not feel a thing! I long to be touched by Him! Lord, I always want to be sensitive to your spirit. I never want to lose sight of who you are. I long to know you more. Change me from the inside out and change my DNA to make me like you. Every fiber of my being longs for you! Burn bright from the inside! A fire that doesn’t go out, but only grows stronger and stronger. Lord, expand my capacity so that I can hold everything you desire to pour into my life. Make my heart pliable and chip away all the hard pieces. Take away all my past hurts and failures. Make me a new person in you! Give me a fresh mind; hit the reset button. Give me the mind of Christ. Take away all hinderances and distractions. Help me to keep my focus on you; to keep my eyes on the prize! Lord, I am open to all that you have! I am willing to put in the work. You alone are worthy! I want to build your kingdom. I am willing to start at the bottom; to start with the small things. I will enjoy the journey and grow and learn along the way. I know you want to raise me up and you want to take your time with me so that I’m not a flash in the pan. Lord, prepare me and remind me to always be thankful for the process. Break off all strongholds and stereotypes. Give me a boldness to step out in faith in everything I do. Lord, that I would have no fear. Break off the notion that I have to be perfect! You didn’t call me to be perfect, you called me to be obedient. Release me from the pressure I’ve been under to try to reach and maintain perfection. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. You don’t make mistakes. You made me in your image. I know that I am called to do great things and I don’t want to miss out on that because I wasn’t obedient, or I wasn’t listening to your voice. Never stop chasing after me. I pray that I never lose this hunger and desire for you. Don’t let it every fade away. Give me ears to hear you and a heart that longs to know you more. A heart that always chases after you. Begin to reveal to me the things that are holding me back. If there is any unforgiveness in my heart, reveal it to me.
No matter what I go through, you are there. Even in my times of questioning or hurting, you prove yourself real to me. You are faithful and just! When I don’t understand why I’m going through certain situations, you are there for me. You never leave my side because you love me that much. You have given me favor time after time, even when I didn’t deserve it. You not only provide for me, but you fight for me! You go before me! Just as it says in Psalms 18, you rescue us because you delight in us. You’re not okay with people coming against me because I am your child. I will always follow your regulations and I will not turn from you.
I thank you Lord for meeting me where I’m at. For being present in this moment. It only takes a moment to turn my whole life around. Lord, I breathe you in. Bring me in to your holy place. I want to dwell within your presence always. I will keep with repentance so that I can be blameless and pure before you. I exhale all of the lies and labels that have been placed on my life. The labels that say I’m not good enough or pretty enough.
There have been services where I just sat and cried or choked back tears the whole sermon because the presence was so strong.
At the end of the day, it’s all about nearness. I’m not okay if I’m not hearing from Him.
I’m sure you have heard a million times that God has a plan for your life. You may almost be sick of hearing it, but it’s so true. God has every moment of your life planned out and He knows what your future is. I find myself questioning Him about my future. Let me be honest for a moment; Sometimes I feel like I need to know exactly where I’m going in order to be okay. We want to know what God has planned for us because then we could decide whether or not we want to surrender. But God expects us to just trust that He knows what He’s doing. For me, that can be so frustrating, but that is a part of trust. God isn’t going to put you in a situation that you can’t handle because it’s not His goal to see you fail. If God showed me the big picture, it’s practically guaranteed that I would mess it up. I would find a way to ruin the plan and I would never achieve what He has for me.
On September 10, 2017, I got a phone call from my husband while I was at work that would change my whole direction of life. He told me that he had just been in a wreck, but he thought he was okay. The only thing he knew at that point was that he couldn’t move his leg and he was sore. The only thing I could think of in that moment was how I just needed to get to him. Once we got to the hospital, they informed us that his tibia was broke and would require surgery. We met with the orthopedic surgeon who informed us that he would have to stay off his leg for about three months and would be out of work for the entirety of that time. I didn’t know how we were going to pay our bills, but I knew that God would provide. At this point in time, I was okay. Little did I know; the wreck would only be the beginning of what felt like hell breaking loose. Our house started falling apart; literally, you name it, it happened. Our plumbing messed up, our house was infested with maggots, and our heat went out all at once.
I’m not going to lie, I was broken. My world was collapsing around me and I felt like I had no control over anything happening.
If you know me, you know that I am a planner and I like to be in control of what’s happening. I cried nearly every day. I stopped taking care of myself and stopped thinking of myself completely. I stopped eating and worked a lot. People will tell you that I was fading away and they didn’t even know who I was anymore. I will admit, I knew that God would provide, but I wasted so much time and energy trying to figure it all out on my own. I fell into a depression because I secluded myself from everyone and everything. I would love to say that when these bad situations arose that I immediately ran to God, prayed, and told Him that I trusted Him. I didn’t. I cried and asked Him why this was happening to me. I was a newlywed. Everything was supposed to be rainbows and sunshine and it wasn’t. It was like as soon as we got married everything fell apart and I was trying to pick up all the pieces on my own. I felt that I had to be strong for him and bear all the weight of anything household- or bill-related because he needed to focus on healing. I wanted to do it all on my own. That was a dangerous place to put myself in. As time went on, things didn’t begin to look better, but I began to trust God. I finally hit rock bottom and came to a place where I had no choice, but to trust God. Nothing I was doing was working so I gave up. I was literally at my breaking point. God pulled me out of all of that and came to my rescue. Are things perfect now? No, not at all, but I know that God is on my side. My relationship with Him has grown so much. I truly feel open before Him. I have come to a place where I have given him everything. I am beyond ready to get past this season, but I am enjoying the closeness that I feel. I have learned a lot and I know I still have a lot more to learn. God has humbled me, and He has broken things off my life. He never left me. Not once. He was there for me through everything. Even when I was trying to figure it out all on my own, He was sending people into my life.
You know, sometimes God will pull us out of our comfort zones. Places that make us feel uncomfortable make us look up. So many times, we try to cover up our hurts. We do everything within our own power to “fix” situations and mistakes on our own. We put on an imaginary Band-Aid to cover up our mistakes. Slapping a bandage on an open wound doesn’t heal it, it only hides it. God wants to rip off the bandage and reveal the wound, so he can truly heal you. I have had wounds that I wasn’t even aware I had covered up. Going through the process of having that bandage ripped off and being exposed wasn’t easy by any means. I am still going through the healing process.
If God can create you, surely, he can fix you.
He desires to make you whole and it’s always His will to heal you. A wise man once said, “The process is what gives you the power to keep what God has for you.” The process isn’t fun, but that’s where we learn to trust God and to lean on Him for everything. My process of healing after Russ’ wreck is what has brought me to where I am today. I have learned to lean on God and trust Him for everything. I know, undoubtedly, that He will provide everything I need. God is my refuge and my strength; He is my protector and encourager. He hides me under the protection of His wings
I am not perfect by any means. I learn something new each and every day. I humble myself before the Lord so that he can work through me. I am open to whatever He wants to say and whatever He wants to do. Darkness can’t survive where there is light, so we have to choose whether we’re going to serve God or ourselves. It’s not just a one-time decision; this is a decision we have to make daily. Who are you going to choose to serve today?
I pray that God would show Himself real in your life and that you would hear Him speak.
The Lord delights in you and sings over you. He loves you with His whole heart; He doesn’t give His heart in pieces. He loves you so much, that He sent His only son to die on the cross just for you! I know you have probably heard that quite a few times, but have you ever really thought about it? He sent His son for you personally! If you were the only person on the planet that needed saving and that was the only way to do it, God would send His son, Jesus, to die on the cross for you. God’s love for us is so pure and is so deep, there’s no way for us to truly comprehend it. Lord, I ask that you expand my capacity to receive all the love you desire to pour into my life. I pray that you would give me the heart to know you more and more with each passing day and ears to hear all that you have to say. I never want to be in a position that I can’t hear from you because of all the junk I have built up. Break off all strongholds and bondages on my life so I can always hear from you. Take away all the thoughts of doubt and deceit. Fill my mind with your love and mercy. May my thoughts be focused on you and all that you are. You are so great and worthy off all my praise. Lord, you are my life and you have my yes. Whatever you would have me do, I will do it. I give you my all, my very existence. Every fiber of my being was made to worship and praise you, so I will do just that. I will praise you all the days of my life. Make my paths straight and light the way. Give me wisdom to make the right decisions. I will chase after you continually; I will never stop running after you Lord. I have seen what life is like without you in it and it’s not worth it. I don’t want to live a life without you.
“If God can create you, surely, he can fix you.”